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Not Feeling Authentic
I realized I don’t know some pretty important things about myself.
A few days ago, I wrote this sentence in response to a question from one of my coaching clients:
When you feel fully authentic, you know who you are and what you want.
It has stuck with me ever since. Like a tiny pebble thrown into the pool of my thoughts, it has continued to ripple out.
This morning I finally realized what was bothering me.
I’m not authentic.
At least, not in the sense that I know who I am or what I want. These are the two questions that have eluded my answer-seeking self for the better part of my life.
Usually, this kind of raw realization sends me down the shame spiral. I may still get to take a ride, it’s early…but, mostly I just feel sad.
Sure, there is no set time frame to life — I could die tomorrow or get my doctorate at 80 — but strange things begin to happen as you age, and for me, it feels like a shadow had descended over me. I am simultaneously hyper-aware of my shortcomings and yet powerless to do anything about them.
My wife thinks I’m depressed. She’s probably right, but my current mental health isn’t the problem. Feeling like I don’t know who I am or what I want has been the main theme of all my days.
